PET WHISPERS AND TALES COMPANION TRIBUTE SERVICES
Phone: 217-239-1212 e-mail: h.vaughn@comcast.net
We animal lovers know our pets communicate with us. Whether it is the quiet purr-like whisper of our feline friends or the boisterous bark of our canine chums. Maybe sloppy licks or tail wagging expresses their communication. It doesn’t matter; we all know they can smile and even speak to us in many ways. And, we can tell wonderful tales of about the funny and not so funny special moments they’ve given us in total unselfish devotion. They are here for us every step of the way, happy when we are joyous and giving comfort and listening to us during our sad times.
Our Pet teaches us:
Unfortunately there are those among us whom for reasons we cannot understand,
will never experience the deep unconditional love our animals share with us. In fact, there are some, even well intentioned folks, whom when we lose our best friends tell us to simply “you can always get another one.” Well, we know that; but there will never ever be another one exactly like ours. There are no replacements; there is only past photos, videos of our one and only’s, and huge human teardrops and the grief
we must endure from their loss — Grief is the tax all we animal lovers must pay for having loved our pet.
Our Pet teaches us:
A Pet is a Family Member, Too
A recent survey revealed 84% of families consider their animals family members — 99% talk to their pets and 54% celebrate their pet’s birthday.
With our capacity to love our pet’s comes the necessity to grieve when that “best friend” dies. The death of our pet is indeed a traumatic experience. Our program is designed to help you and your family acknowledges the need to grieve and to do so
in healthy ways.
A Pet’s Death is Significant
No, it’s not “just a dog” or “just a cat.” The animal is a family member. With the
death of that pet, the family experiences a deep sense of loss. A difficult problem, however, is that society often denies you the need to grieve for your pet. You may even be chastised for openly and honestly expressing your feelings. As a result, your grief may be hidden, submerged or ignored. Medical health professionals have a
term for this form of grief, they call it “disenfranchised grief.”
Clichés Don’t Help You Heal
Your family will be greeted with many old clichés when your pet dies. These trite comments intended to diminish the loss by offering simple solutions to difficult realties are hurtful. Comments like “You can always buy another one” or “Be glad
you don’t have to take care of him anymore” are not constructive. Instead they
often hurt and make you and your family’s journey through grief more difficult.
Memories are the Best Legacies
Memories are one of the best legacies after the death of a pet. Talk about and embrace these memories. Your pet entertained, comforted, frustrated — but always loved you. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If they bring sadness, cry. Remember, though, memories made in love can never be taken away.
Your Emotions Will Vary
You’re likely to experience a variety of emotions: confusion, disorganization,
sadness, explosive emotions or guilt. Don’t repress these feelings. Ignore anyone who tells you that you should. Don’t over analyze your responses. Just permit your feelings to find expression. As strange as some of these feelings may seem, they
are normal and healthy.
Each family member probably had a unique relationship with the pet. Allow for different emotional responses with the family, and be careful to respect each
other’s need to grieve in his or her own way.
Rituals Are Helpful
Allowing and encouraging your family to have a funeral and or a memorial service
for the pet is helpful. It provides a time to acknowledge the loss, share memories
of the pet and create a focus for the family to openly express emotions. While
some friends or even family members may think having a service for you pet is foolish, don’t let them take this special time away.
We’ll help you design a personalized ritual that best meets your needs as you
gather to pay tribute to a pet who was and always we be loved.
Children Need to be Involved
The death of a pet is often the first opportunity parents have to help children during times of grief. Unfortunately, parents often don’t want to talk about the death assuming that by doing so the children will be spared some of the pain and sadness.
Children, however, are entitled to grieve for their pets. Any child old enough to love
is old enough to grieve. And most children love their pets with all their hearts. As
an adult when you are open, honest and loving, experiencing the death of a pet can be a chance for children to learn about both the joy — and pain — that comes from caring deeply for pets or for future losses such as the death of a grandparent or
close human friend. Through our time sharing with pets they teach us much about human nature and life; through their death, they continue to teach us about loss
and human death.
Perhaps, you may not experience the same depth of loss as your children when a family pet dies. You must still respect their own grief and allow them to express it without feeling abandoned. I can still remember the death of my first dog, Snoozie. He was an adorable little mixed-breed terrier. My last recollection is sitting with him on our front porch when I was 13 years old and he was nearly 16. Up to that point,
I had never lived without knowing Snoozie and loving him deeply. Well, I guess Snoozie went off to die, and sadly we never found his body. While Snoozie probably thought he was sparing me from watching him die, this was, as I recollect, the only mistake he might have ever made. My parents and I were deprived of not being
able to hold him one more time and saying good-bye; and now, after all these
years, I continue to wonder about what really happened. Despite all of our efforts
we never knew. Anyway, your response as parents can make the difference whether your children’s first exposure to death will be a positive or a negative part of their personal growth and development.
Older Adults have Special Needs
Their special relationship with a pet is often the most meaningful relationship they enjoy in their lives. The death of a pet can have a significant impact, particularly
if the older adult is isolated from a good bit of human contact. Under these circumstances the pet does, indeed, become a “very best special friend.”
When the pet dies, the experience may trigger their old griefs from losses encountered throughout life. It is imperative that family and friends are sensitive to the older adult’s needs during this time. Respond with warmth and understanding and let them “teach you” about the special relationship shared with the beloved pet.
Premature Substitute Can Cause Problems
The temptation after the death may be to run out and get another one right away.
In fact, you are often encouraged to do so by well-intended family and friends. Although it may sound like a good idea, you must be careful about premature replacement. We can’t replace our love anymore then we can ignore the loss in our hearts. While we never quite “get over the death” we eventually get through the death.
We all need time to grieve and to heal. A new pet demands all our energy and attention, which at some point we will be ready and willing to give. Right now, however, we must first attend to our own grief and the grief of family members.
Be especially careful of premature replacement of pets with children. It sends a message to a child that says when something is lost all that we need to do is buy another one. In reality that is not the case. It also devalues the significance of
the pet that just died.
There isn’t any specific timetable for when to get a different pet. When in the least
bit of doubt — Wait. Allow time for additional healing to occur. When the family is ready for a different pet, involve the children in the discussion and selection so they can feel a part of this important decision.
Some Closing Thoughts
Put bluntly, you and your family must accept the need to grieve. Even though others around you may attempt to minimize that grief, your hurt must be EMBRACED in order to be lessened. Be patient and tolerant as you slowly move toward healing.
After all, this is what your “best-friend” deserves. Also remember, they would not want you to grieve forever. Just as they did when they were alive, their spirit of love and caring will always be with you in beautiful memories of them.
Adapted from Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Director, Center for Loss and Transition
Fort Collins, Colorado and faculty member University of Colorado Medical School, Department of Family Medicine.
Author of books, Death and Grief: A guide for Clergy, Helping Children Cope with
Grief and many others.
